Thursday May 16, 2019
It was 5 years ago this very day when my sister and I stood at the bedside, holding our mother’s hands as she passed over from this world to the next. It was a holy death.
I cannot think about that experience without feeling strong emotions. If I think on it too long I will break down in tears.
The anniversary of her death always rough for me but this year it is hitting me harder than I thought it would. And I don’t know why. Maybe it has to do with how close it is to Mothers’ Day. I just don’t know. However this year I feel a heightened sense of loss. I miss my mom this year more than ever. It puzzles me.
Still I miss her so much. This year I’m aware of myself as an aging person. This year I have made some peace with moving into that part of life where I’m an elder. I am spending more and more of my alone time reflecting. I’m thinking about Christian spirituality in ways that I haven’t before. I’m asking myself more and more questions about what I want to pass on to futures generations.
As I’ve been dong that work I’ve been thinking about my mom and dad. I think of how they have shaped my life and my siblings and my siblings children and now my siblings children’s children.
More than ever I find myself wanting to ask my mom questions. I want to hear more stories from her. I’m aware that I have a sense of regret about being so far from home in my adult life. I am beginning to be aware of how much I missed. I could have known her better and I didn’t. For that I am sorry and I feel that very acutely at this time of year.
Still there some grace for me. I’m getting an unexpected small second chance to know my mom better. It is through my sister. My sister was the closest to her of us siblings. I now live with her. She has absorbed so much of my mom’s ways. She has soaked up so many of the family stories that I didn’t hear. And on top of that I have the added resource of my niece. As a keen observer of human nature, she has a take on my mother from a different angle. Together they provide me with some new depth. They help me understand what she might say and do if she were here today.
I miss my mom, now more than ever. And perhaps I even love her now more than ever.