Wednesday January 22, 2020
For quite a while I stopped blogging. The reason was that I was scared. I was scared that what I wrote would hurt my pursuit of my vocational goals.
I feared that what I wrote would give too much information about areas of struggle for me. I thought this could frighten congregations that might be considering me for a position. They might think that I don’t have it together enough to be a good leader.
I feared that what I wrote might be too honest. Maybe it would scare a potential parish to hear that their prospective rector has depression.
I feared that would I wrote might be misunderstood. Perhaps a searching congregation would be uncomfortable with a priest who has doubts about the church as an institution.
I feared that writing pointedly about what it feels like to be black in white culture, trans in a cis-society, old in an age of youth might be off-putting to some communities of faith.
I became so fearful of being misunderstood or misread that I stopped blogging.
So now I’m blogging again. What has changed? My vocational goals have changed. I am no longer pursuing the goal of being a rector or a vicar. With the retirement of that goal has come a restored sense of freedom. I no longer feel I have to so strongly censor myself. There is no position to lose. I am not courting a congregation. I am much more free to express myself and to write more openly again.
The result has been a big up tick in the number of post I’ve written. I have also experienced more joy in writing. Along with that has come a renewed desire to blog. This feels good and I’m happy to be in this space.